Positive Affirmations

Yesterday's therapy session was about this topic. Do you know how hard it is to come up with a whole list of things you are good at? I don't mean the typical I am a good mom, I am a good wife, I am a good daughter types of things. I mean things like: I am caring, kind, nurturing, etc. That's hard. I had 2 whole weeks to make this list, but I procrastinated something awful and didn't make it until the very last minute. In fact, I was writing stuff down in the parking lot at the therapist's office!

Unless you are super egotistical, you know what I am talking about. It's healthy to have a positive outlook of yourself. I do not have that. But, through out my session, I said more than a few times, "Oh, I should have written that down, too." Then she gave me her pen to write that particular affirmation down. On the way home, I thought up more positive affirmations about me.

I'm not egotistical, I am someone who has a hard time believing in myself. Especially since I live with a house full of negative and selfish people. It is very hard to stay positive. I truly believe that is why fate has brought people into my life...to remind me that I am a worthwhile human being. It is sad that my own family cannot do this for me. What is sadder, is that I can't do this for myself. But, it is what it is and hopefully, with the right tools I can learn to do this. Meanwhile, my list is growing! One of my favorites I wrote down on my list is that I AM IMPORTANT. We all are, no matter what the people in our lives say to us!

Why

Why do I let what other people say to me affect me so badly? A person that is so influentual as he is always cuts me down like a knife when he speaks negatively to me. Try as hard as I can to not let it affect me, it never works. Those words he utters become my mantra for the day. Welcome to my depression.

Out Of The Mouth Of Babes

There's not enough parenting advice out there for me to read to prepare for the conversation I just had with my son. I'm used to the kind of questions a "typical" ASD child would ask. These are usually in the form of a scientific question, or at the very least they are quite amusing. Last week he asked me what would happen if we just sent all the werewolves to the moon.

Nothing, and I mean nothing could have prepared me for these questions!

He asked me, "Who are you?"

"I'm mom. Silly."

"No, I know that. I am being philosophical."

"Why are you being philosopiphical...Why are you making me say words I can't pronounce?"

"I dunno..."

"Mom, another quick question. Are you happy?"

OMG! I didn't know how to answer that. He's 18, but he's not 18 mentally. Can he handle the truth? What would happen if I said no? Should I lie and say yes?

"Um. No." I stammered. "Are you happy?"

He shook his head and he whispered, "No."

My heart broke.. I am hoping he isn't happy because there is a computer game out there that he wanted and he just doesn't know how to ask for it. So, I naively asked, "Why aren't you happy?"

He didn't answer. Instead he turned the tables on me. "Why aren't you happy?" Who is this child? Why is he asking me these tough questions?

"I'm just not happy with my life at the moment." Hindsight and all that, I should have said that I'm not happy because he said he's not happy. However, I do not believe in lying to my kids. They need to know that a parent has feelings and a parent can struggle with things, too.

But, as I asked my son why he wasn't happy his answer made anything I have ever suffered through seem trivial.

His answer, "I'm not happy with the way I am."

Yeah. Then he asked me to go and pet his cat. Moment gone.

Positive and Negative Thoughts

I try not to be a negative person, but the negativity always wins. I think to myself that if I don't have any expectations, then I can't be disappointed. But, in this article about positivity it says if you think about it, then it will appear. Hmmm...OK. I think about living on a beach, writing my books and articles, biking to the local market for fresh fruits and veggies, but here I am in freezing cold PA, sitting on my recliner in my robe with wild sleepy hair.

My vision didn't work. Why?

My life experiences tell me that I am always going to be disappointed in one form or another. Why? Is this the reason; do I question things to much and don't just let them "be?"

I think I do.

I am in therapy for depression and anxiety and my therapist said to me at my last session to go out and find some friends. I am terrified of this thought. She also said that I need to find something to do for myself. I am in the midst of trying to find out who I am besides "wife" and "mother."

Who am I? I have no freaking clue! What do I like? Uh, birds. I like to read. I like to sit on my porch swing.

I don't like to go shopping. She said to window shop. Why? If I did that then I'd get even more depressed thinking about all the things that I'd like to have but don't. Be thankful for the things I have, she said. I am. We worked hard for the things we have. It's a daily struggle, but we're no exception since it is for most people.

Have a coffee with a friend was her next suggestion. Can I take my computer? My friends live in it.

I have to go out and get some real friends. :-( But, she didn't tell me how to do that. How do you do that? I don't leave my house unless it is to go to Walmart. A place I despise. When I am at Walmart, I rush around and grab the things I intended to get and a few things that I had no idea I needed until I spot them, which is why I hate Walmart. They are sneaky that way! Before I know it, I am back in the car. I can't remember if I uttered anything except and "excuse me" or "thank you" to the cashier. I do have my manners, at least.

My assignment for my next session is to keep on listing some good qualities about myself. M'kay. And, to keep listing some things I like. My brain will be fried before my next appointment!

Changing the topic a bit...Sisco was pulling out feathers every single night. I counted 5 feathers one morning. This morning, there were NO FEATHERS on the bottom of her cage!!! What was different? Nothing! She continues to baffle me!